Fearing the Vietnamese is part of what it means to be Cambodian. Always worried they come again, try to take over country. Hear stories about how they rape and kill young girls in the woods, burn whole villages to the ground, steal children and turn them into baby fighters. The worst story ever is what they do when they catch three Cambodian men in the forest. Everybody knows the soldiers bury them standing up so only their heads are above the ground, real close together. Start fire between them, use their heads to rest a pot on to make tea. When Cambodian men get too hot, they say, “Don’t move, you are going to spill the water.”
Everybody in camp really scared when we start hearing the Vietnamese in Cambodia again. They are fighting Angkar. Once again, we fall asleep at night to the sounds of guns and bombing far away in the mountains. Each night the sounds seem closer and closer until finally one morning camp leaders tell us we are leaving camp, moving somewhere else farther away from the battles.
Our group sets out to the mountains. My sister and I sent to a place far away from our home. Ankar not too strict anymore. After work, you can go find whatever you want to eat. Usually, the men go to find food for the women but we have no man in our family. My sister goes with a neighbor. The day so hot, you have to rest two hours after you eat.
The men tell us to go to the nearby creek. Fish are everywhere. You just catch with your hands. More fish than any time before, even during season on Tonle Sap. Wade in until the mud comes up above your knees, they say, and just stand there until you see a bubble. That means there is a fish underneath. This morning there were bubbles all over the creek.
Oh, why I am so weak; it is hard for me to walk that far and when I finally arrive and wade in I so small the mud comes way above my chest, so high I get stuck. So skinny, I am sinking in quicksand, unable to free my feet, when I see the biggest fish ever. Long and fat like a small pig roasting on a spit.
“That fish, that fish,” I point “That my fish.” I look across the creek and see a man I recognize from a long time ago, from the train ride to Battambang. Oh, he is such a mean man. One time he killed his own dog and made a curry.
“Can you get it for me? Can you help me?”
He looks over in my direction and sees the fish. He wades over through the mud and grabs it. Never even look at me. Just walks away. Leaves me alone, trapped in the mud.
Takes me long, long time to make my way out of the creek. Sky almost black when I walk home, well behind the men who laugh together like best friends home from hunting, carrying buckets full of fish.
I am so sad. You think a god or angel take care of me just then because as I am walking around the big puddles in the wet road, I suddenly see a fish as big as half an arm swimming in the black water of a big cow footprint. I catch it and carry it home.
Never enough food to satisfy my hunger.
“You crazy? I not take care of you when you die. You too much trouble. Why you not be like everyone else? To lose you would be no loss.”
Guess everybody think I the crazy one. Maybe they not as hungry as me. One night when I go down to the lake to bathe, I crawl up the slippery bank and rest beside a bamboo tree. Oh, what’s that? See a big fat, shiney black lizard. Grab bamboo stick. “Oh today, I am going to eat you.” I hit the lizard with the stick. Nothing happen. I try to hit him harder. He just run away.
No matter.
Not too long after that the shrimp start appearing. They show up in little ponds and they light up at night. The country must be getting better, I think. For four years, birds and then suddenly a crow flies by overhead.
The Ankar in the mountain release us. Khmer solders now in the woods all around fighting the Vietnamese
“When you see the soldiers, say ‘Pol Pot’ and they let you through.”
“Pol Pot. Pol Pot.” we whisper as we run through the woods.
“Dee! Dee!,” they answer. Keep running. No time to think about the battle around us.
Nobody knows where to run. Maybe we run to the mountain.
We run the whole night. After second night I see my sister. “The Khmer have escaped,” she tells me. “Where we go now?”
Don’t think we really understand we are free. What that mean anyway? Nowhere to go. We decide to head back to our home camp. Find an empty house.
So much rice to eat now. Very first time we cook own food. First time free to do whatever you want.
Ta come home too. No more involve with him because Ta together with his wife. I very frightened of her.
Only go to bathe in a lake when I just get too dirty, so worried I run into him.
One time I see 3 or 4 dry fish he just drop off and leave. “I don’t want to eat these fish because Ta put spirits in them,” I tell Second Sister. “He make me fall in love.’
“You so silly. Why you not just cross three times, scare away any evil spirits?”
“No, I throw these away. Not want to get crazy.”
“Give them to me,” she say. “He not want to make me crazy.”
Younger sister, now a lot of man go to the lake about a couple day to go there a lot of fish and you stay here you wait for me im going to go get a couple men and go with them and get some fish.
She left for a couple of days. I go to my neighbor and give them a coin and massage, and after I do it they gave me food.
